Don't Hate Hubby

Sunday, January 30, 2011

There's Nothing Sexy About Snoring.

The day I said "I do," my new wife said "I don't" like your impressive snoring. Our first solution was cranking up the room volume, causing my snore to blend in with other noises. This worked until our son was born. Yeah, you sorta need to listen for a newborn. Strike One.

The second attempt was a procedure called a uvulectomy (they knife-out that dangly thing in the back of your mouth).  Of course, my snore laughed at this procedure and evolved into something my wife described as, "Scary and worse than before." Strike two.

Next stop, a visit to the pulmonary doctor where a "sleep study" was scheduled. I was soon in a strange bed, forced to sleep in a strange position, strapped to a mattress with wires glued to my legs, chest, face, and head. All this, while some stranger monitors every move I made. As you can imagine, NOT A VERY DREAMY NIGHT. I actually attempted to count sheep. I did finally pass-out from the stress of being stressed. Even worse, the test results were inconclusive. In other words, sounding like an irate lion through the night is "inconclusive." Strike three.

I wasn't done. I refused to strike-out and visited a "sleep clinic."  We met with the Doc and went over every detail of my nighttime noise (my wife was quite cute with her demonstrations). Long story, short, another dreamy sleep study.

A week later, I was diagnosed with mild sleep apnea, which is gasping for breath (snore) throughout the night because your throat collapses. The solution is a CPAP machine. This device blows air through your nose and prevents your throat from closing. Now let's be honest, it takes a while to get comfy with this thing. You basically go to bed looking like a fighter-pilot and no, that ain't cool. When you finally do get use to it, it's the best sleep ever.

And I'm finally putting this problem to rest.

14 comments:

  1. Sounds horrible, Robert! I hope it works out for you. I have a system in my house: Fall asleep before hubby so that I don't hear the snoring.

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  2. This is a bit of a dated story, but it hasn't been too bad. Of course, lately I've been snoring through the CPAP. Oops.

    Thanks for commenting.

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  3. I've known quite a few folks who swear by them. You may look like Lord Vader, but good sleep is totally worth it.

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  4. You certainly sound like Lord Vader. Ha!

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  5. Sounds like something my husband should use. I have to do the same thing as LJ, fall asleep first.

    Nikki

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  6. Sign him up for a sleep study, but that advise never came from me.

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  7. My boyfriend did the same thing. His snoring was keeping me awake at night. Not to mention the fact that he was tired all day long.

    He went to a sleep study.. he told me they put him in a room and he had drifted off and suddenly there were people around him putting wires on him and putting some apparatus over his nose. He has a CPAP machine now. Sometimes though, he still snores.

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  8. Dear Mr. Hub,
    Mrs. Hub never lived alone I guess. I lived alone for almost ten years before I met my snoring husband. That was nineteen years ago and from the beginning I told him it sounded like Mozart to me compared to the hollow, lonely and scary sounds I heard in the dark when I slept alone in my own little bed, in my own little apartment. Silence. Yuck. I think if he ever left me I would have to find a recording of someone loudly snoring.

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  9. Well Anony, I have been snoring through the thing a bit myself lately. And Desert R, my wife is the lightest sleeper and I really was an impressive snorer. Not a good combo.

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  10. My hubby only snores when he's fighting with his ex. On those nights I sqeeze his nose shut and he rolls over. All is quiet for a while and then I repeat it.

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  11. My girlfriend and I both snore it has turned into quite the battle over who can get to sleep first.

    The other night I woke up and my cat was snoring. Things are grim here.

    Rob

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  12. Sound like we've got some SNORERS in this comment group. I like the company.

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  13. I roar in my sleep, when unprotected by CPAP.

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